this is an awesome point. i read the original post a while ago & agreed. lately, i've been thinking about it in terms of something i learned while looking into healthy communities. i was reading "the empowerment manual" by starhawk (who helped found the reclaiming tradition of witchcraft & who has facilitated, created, protested, & otherwise worked with collaborative groups for decades). in that, she talks about the differences between common respect, catering to/enabling victims, and supporting the resilience of victims. this is especially important in many intentional communities, where there can easily be overly-strong but not so well thought out reactions to finding that a given person is a victim in some way. in many cases, folks will immediately jump to this far end of the spectrum, of assuming the victim should be pampered, catered to in all their requests, and held super gently. starhawk instead suggests not unthinkingly catering to the continuation of a victim mentality, but instead lovingly & respectfully supporting their healing & resilience (at a pace comfortable for them, to be sure).
i've been thinking of this in terms of many of the conversations going on lately re: racism, fascism, sexual assault, etc. it may be that some day in the future no one will care any more what words are used, because minorities are no longer being victimized. so long as oppressed groups are Actively being oppressed, they deserve whatever level of respect & consciously altered communication we can offer them (ESPECIALLY when they specifically request it). until we either have a drastically different country, or at the very least some strong pockets of resistant, resilient, & inclusive communities, i imagine we'll stay in this tangle of using careful language so as to respect & honor the struggles of others.
hopefully in the coming years we'll be seeing more thorough, full-time safe spaces where folks of color, indigenous, queer&trans, women, disabled, abuse victims, etc can feel comfortable building resilience among like-minded allies, rather than only having recourse to temporary spaces just for those who identify in the same way.