I’m writing this because, well, I don’t know, because I feel like I’m in a situation similar to the one others may be in, particularly us younger members of the board. I’m not trying to solicit responses or advice (though you’re welcome to respond with whatever you’ve got), I just wanted to “tell my story” as it stands right now.
I live a posh, lethargic life at the moment. I graduated from university in the spring with a very expensive piece of paper and, aside from a three month stint working on a farm, find myself living back under my parents’ roof, where I spend my days surfing the internet, reading books, going on walks and bike rides, and eating.
I left the farm I was working on at the beginning of September with the idea that I was going to go on a month long hike up in the mountains. I wouldn’t be living off the land by any means, just hiking from my brother’s place through some national forests to my grandmother’s place. The fact that I had never gone backpacking before didn’t faze me, though I was scared of being alone on the trail.
Well, I got a ride up to the mountains and started out, and, well, embarassingly, ended up back home within the week after only about 24 hours and 15 miles on the trail… dehydrated and exhausted (did not carry enough capacity for water). So much for my big plans! In retrospect, I know I bit off way more than I could chew, which I feel is one of the few things I can consistently do with success – overestimate and overcommit. One of the few good things that came with my aborted hike was that I got to see real, live, bonafide, albeit young American Chestnuts growing out in the wild. That strummed my heartstrings!
So, since then, I’ve been back home, living comfortably off my parents’ dime. They are generous enough to give their son who talks a big game about the evils of civilization and the beauty of ecology the benefit of patience while he works things out, and I’m truly grateful to them for that.
But as with all previous times I’ve come back home (like during breaks in between school terms), I’ve fallen back into old habits. I bemuse myself watching and enjoying things like Battlestar Galactica while I feel that I should be doing or learning something… y’know like rewilding or fighting the good fight or something.
Instead I’m a complete bore. I’ve got friends in the city near here, but I haven’t made that much effort to go hang out with them. I’ve become more introverted and haven’t made the effort to socialize as much as a healthy young man my age should (or so I think). For the most part, my friends have their jobs and schooling and own friends with similar lives to attend to, and I, well, I’m just that guy who’s “against everything,” talking a big game with little to show for it.
I do take some solace in the fact that even though I set myself up for failure by setting unrealistic expectations for myself, I have made progress in the rewilding journey. Last year about this time I had just serendipitously run across a video of Derrick Jensen giving a talk which just blew me away by at once shattering my idea of an “green tech ecotopia” while also putting the pieces together of all the frustrations with activism I had felt over the years.
At that point, I couldn’t have told you the difference between a maple and a sweetgum or a tulip poplar and an oak. They were just trees. And all other green things – “plants.” Since then I’ve learned a lot about ecology, soils, succession, and plants. I’ve begun learning to identify plants and can now identify over 50 species (maybe more?) within a mile of my house, including a few edible ones. Also at this point last year I was a vegetarian who couldn’t imagine ever eating animal flesh again let alone dealing with animals on that lievel, and now I’ve successfully skinned a roadkill deer, which was a heartwrenching process though I shamefully failed to tan the hide, despite the excellent counsel of Billy (heyvictor). Also, I think my overall perspective on things has shifted. Whereas previously I was concerned with the theories of everything and how to communicate and argue about it all, now I’d like nothing more than gaining experience and developing relationships with fungi, plants, animals, and people.
And thankfully, I do have a plan for my future, and am fortunate to, again, be in a position of privilege that allows me to dream of such things. In the beginning of next year I’ll be moving with a good friend to an old farmhouse on some family land in the mountains, fixing it up a bit (it does have “modern conveniences” like electricity, running water, and kerosene heat), and start a small garden and try to get some experience with living a life with less of the conveniences I’m used to. I’d love to shut off the electricity at the house and even the running water if possible, reverting to pumping water straight from the well. I’d like to have the chimney fixed up and a woodstove put back in to replace the kerosene heater. I’d like to put together an outdoor kitchen with rocket stoves and a cob oven. I’d like to cultivate mushrooms. I’d like to plant nut and fruit trees for the future. I have lots of ideas for projects up there.
Of course, I can’t help but see much of this as my tendency to overestimate my abilities and what’s doable in a given time frame. I’m trying to prune my expectations to just be fixing up the house a bit and starting a small (1000 sq. ft.) garden, counting anything else we get done next year as gravy (other projects can wait).
But I have little else to think about right now. My life at present is in the midst of a sprawling suburban area and cold weather’s here. I’m loving learning about plants and mushrooms and going out on walks and coming back home to look up who I just saw out in the woods. But with the leaves falling, I have this feeling that everything I want to put my energy into will have to wait for spring. I feel like I’m in limbo, and I’m not sure this attitude about is healthy. I love the whole idea of presence and paying attention here and now, yet I want to think about the future because my here and now isn’t all that exciting (which is mostly my fault for not making it more adventurous). I feel like the only thing I can do now is sit in place and wait.
~wildeyes
