Honoring ones word or keeping ones mouth shut

Regenerative Culture Relationships, Partnerships & Sexuality
#1

Is it me or the time we live in?

I seem to attract women who can’t be real with themselves, or they see my lifestyle and think it’s cool until they get their hands bloody or dirty. On top of that, they say things they apparently don’t mean and when push comes to shove they are willing to discard the relationship like an old sock.

Now, I’m not your average guy to say the least. I’m a single father, braintan for my living, grow loads of food, and am very in touch with my feminine side (I can express my feelings and I’m not afraid to be vulnerable). It just seems that I hook up with women who are willing to say anything to secure my trust and then are willing to toss out thier word with the rubbish. Ones word seems to matter little.

Take for instance my last connection with someone from the opposite sex. She found me on the net, came to my home because she wanted to see how we live, went to a giant rave with me and LOST HER SHIT (not on any drugs), seriously asking me to get her medication for her psychotic break, and like a dipshit I took her to the Rabbit Stick where she was all over the place with all kinds of men, when the day before she was picking out names for babies she wanted to have with me.

Now the obvious is why didn’t the red flags that were happening at Shambala (the giant rave in B.C.) give me enough to say bye bye? Well, I just believed her because it’s what I do. I want to believe in people. I haven’t lost that quality plus I think it has to do with my attempts at complete honesty, because I am being honest I can’t see when someone else is not being honest.

To be sure, I never coaxed a word out of her. She hadn’t been with anybody in 2 years and for all purposes she was looking at me in the long term but then one day just shut down. For my part I did well. I can still look myself in the mirror, mostly just because I’ve screwed up so much in the past I can’t dare do stupid shit that I won’t be able to live with myself. Been there.

Ok. Let me have it. Where am I screwing up here? Are there no powerful women who honor their word?

#2

Just in case anybody wonders, you can’t report yourself to the moderator.

#3

Hey Crash,

I had to respond to this one…

It is my supposition that women who are actually into the kinds of things we primitivists are into (or cross-compatible with) generally get into these kinds of things for different reasons, not usually because of ideals or intellectualism alone. I see the women who are at Rabbitstick and who I’ve met in my life who are real and truly getting down with the land they live on, have come from a place where they are building good relationships with other people who are doing land-based work, such as their families and other friends.

I feel that for a lot of women, they get their needs met from many places, their families and friends, not just a single person a single mate, which is certainly something I consider healthy. Which might be why it’s hard to find a woman who really wants to live out in the middle of nowhere with any random person doing activities that aren’t usually supported by a community of people.

Now the same activities (braintanning and gardening) on an intentional community, on the other hand (Breightonbush), draw lots of women, and I believe that it’s because those same activities are community-supported and that there is a strong network for women to build relationships into.

The reason I live in the middle of Portland today is because I feel more or less the same-- that in order to have community I need to be where the people are, or can make their living, where people’s families are, etc… I figure I can always bring the wilderness to me from Portland, but I can never really bring the extended community to the wilderness. Not yet, anyway. It’s a hard compromise.

I honestly think that people who have more of their internal issues sorted out have been around good community for much longer, to pull them out of their own strange worlds. So finding someone real might mean going to the places where you’d least expect-- where everyone else is.

I’m not saying you should move to New York. Just some food for thought, is all. Okay, I’m tired, I need to finish sewing my pants now…

#4

Hey Crash,
I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time of it out there. Maybe it would be better to take a break from dating for a while? just concentrate on friends and family for now.

#5

Exactly what I was doing before she found me on the web, came to visit and started talking about baby names.

I was simply loving the way things were, serenity here and there, not looking for a mate type thing, not looking period. Just trying to let things flow and go so, when she showed up and things seemed to be flowing I went with it, although there were those red flags.

Maybe that’s it? The red flags?? Ok. Stay away from people in cults, especially self proclaimed “Gnostic” cults, but then again who isn’t involved with some sort of cult even if it’s just the cult of America???

Yeah Kiliii I get you. I haven’t been around a community like your talking that worked for very long, especially the less distraction there is like computers, radios, electronics, etc.

#6

What do you need that you are not getting that only a woman can provide?

If you were me, and you are not, that’s what I would be wondering…

You want a child, a captive audience, and not in the cynical way, but in a genuine, fatherly way, I can see someone who desperately needs someone to listen. Since you have patterned women to behave in a certain way in your life, they will continue to show up in that fashion until you change your patterns.

Just keep doing something different until you find something that brings you something that works.

‘Hot’ girls just aren’t into it, period. Dorky girls don’t have the stomach. Nerdy girls are too busy blogging. Stupid girls are getting fucked up at these raves you’ve mentioned.

Seriously, though, you might have a problem I have.

You’re too deep, man. Everywhere you go, it’s a circus of life, and you my friend appear to want to be the act and the audience. You can see the deeper connections, but forget most people are operating at a much shallower level than you are. For example, I can go to a rave and think of all these far-out concepts like Temporary Autonomous Zones and how a rave is just like a ‘back-in-the-day’ human event. But you forget, 99 percent ofthe people there aren’t thinking about that kind of shit. they’re looking for someone to sell them rolls.

So most likely, you attract people in need. Girls are impressed by you, they don’t necessarily fall in love. I’ve had a few trysts with love, and those relationships are still maintained, that’s how I know I finally found love.

When the impression fades, or the real gets to real, without the love, it all goes away.

I have made the best female contacts doing something nurturing I found my ex-gf at a drinking shindig for Americorps members. I found the ex before that at Ishcon.

There are PLENTY of HOT SINGLE MOMS in your AREA (click here) <—just kidding…

But it’s true if you love children, and baby names are a hook, an indicator of interest, for you, then go play with some kids, you’ll meet women real fast.

But also, there is hope, there are these creatures known as WOMEN than apparently have the same ability to satisfy a man’s urges, and not totally annoy the shit out of you. Maybe you can find one of these, singly I believe they are called, woman, and let us know how that works out…

#7

Thanks for the real all.

Much truth is spoken. Patterns….damn them……

#8

I’d like to repeat what I see as the key to finding a relationship for people such as us:

“You’re too deep…You can see the deeper connections, but forget most people are operating at a much shallower level than you are.”

Find people “on your level”. It’s difficult, but we have this great big In-tar-web to help. ;D

#9

This is the only thing I read on this thread that really made serious sense to me. This is extremely valuble and totally right on. I would personally scratch the rest. Here it is, short and precise.

#10

yay I’m glad I could be useful, I was worried when I saw my words in quotes there at first…

Like I had said right before that paragraph, I was able to get that insight form my own desire to have a captive audience to teach them more ‘useful’ ways, and less ‘useless’ ways.

There are a lot of people who are having the same insights were are, and that kind of forces them outside. I’ve seen some serious assholes scare away some great women, because they got one off-the-mark comment form the home of off-the-mark comments, the internet, and said fuck the internet, as a whole.

A great woman and one of my elders, Two Knives Katie, Has so much to contribute, and would make a great partner for anyone, but she is the embodiment of sensitivity, and even though see gives it the old college try, she just can’t handle why people are so perversely, unapologetically, insanely off-the-mark.

And for these people, the word is bond. And because they are the desirable honoring one’s word type, being in a room full of disingenuity makes one keep their mouth shut.

Jason Goedesky said something brilliant on his anti-fan site, anthropuk. He wondered aloud, who is the bigger fool, the fool, or the fool who follows the fool?

In trying to meet people, this is often the case. When surrounded by foolish, is much more preferential to get to know yourself better than take a risk and open yourself up to people who just aren’t seeming to get you.

Kudos to those who keep trying!

#11

i actually find myself in a very similar boat, problems with people being real, and mostly how people change. my greatest partner in life left me and i feel like he changed., i also feel like he thru our amazing year relationship out like an old sock, and i also feel maybe my feelings were getting deeper and his were doing the exact opposite, we used to share the dream of living self sustainably on some land and now it seems like he just has partying on his mind. and the thing i seem to be yearning for most is just hanging out with a strong community of women.

but i have realized that often the case is both people feel very differently from what they say i guess its a matter of communication or something, also a mystery to me.

its also really hard sorting thing out within yourself, i thing just keep trying to be honest with yourself and others is the best thing you can do.