Getting Married!

Regenerative Culture Relationships, Partnerships & Sexuality
#1

So, good news everyone: my partner and I are getting married! We’re hoping this October, maybe “National Colonialism and Genocide Day” weekend to take advantage of vibrant New England foliage and people having more time off. Might be next October, though.

I’m mentioning this for far more than just an announcement, of course. It’s a perfect segue to talk about traditional and civilized marriage customs, what we hate about certain traditions, etc. etc. My partner and I are pretty hardcore feminists, so we’re ditching a bunch of traditions and things we don’t like, such as her wearing a white dress (she hates wearing white, not to mention the symbolism attached to it).

In some of our research, she found that the bride wearing white hasn’t been a tradition for very long in European cultures, and was only started around 1840 when the queen of England did it. Fifty years later, it was so commonplace that people had basically forgotten anything else and a writer in a magazine made reference to the tradition spanning back to forever. Before everyone tried to copy the queen, everyone just wore their best dress, or the traditional red, which struck me as reminiscent of the common Asian tradition.

We’re also foregoing the father giving away the bride, because hey, she’s not chattle. Instead, we might have both of our parents present us to the gathered family.

So, anyone have any other thoughts on weddings and marriage? Married people, did you do anything different?

#2

Well, I don’t think my partner and I are planning on marriage anytime soon, we just don’t think it’s a priority in our relationship yet, but we have talked about it and have opinions about it. I like the idea of marriage simply being a celebration between families and them getting together to bless the partner’s bonding. I don’t like the “showy-ness” of modern marriage obviously, it seems very materialistic and rather disgusting. However, I think most women want to look beautiful, and want the whole “glowing bride” kind of thing. I personally want to remember it that way, and I want everyone else to remember me looking beautiful, but not because I’m conceited or anything, just because in many ways, beauty means happiness.

I want my wedding to be somewhere magical and special to me, most likely near a body of water, and near a forest because that’s what my partner loves. I also want our attire to reflect us as who we are, maybe even reflect the animal spirits we connect to because that’s one of the major things that attracted us to each other. If possible, I imagine myself in a sealskin gown, though I wrestle with the idea of wearing my spirit animal, perhaps just a dress that resembles sealskin. And since Fen connects with wolves, we’ve played with the idea of what he would wear having to do with them also.

Oh, and I would never let my parents “hand me off”…Maybe have them bless our marriage…But I dont know.

However, when I think about what that would look like it seems rather sad, wearing grey, but better than black and white, which for some reason really disturbs me. All in all, I want my wedding to be relaxed, but magical and memorable.

I recently attended a celtic themed wedding of my cousin. She dressed as a celtic princess and her partner dressed as a sort of old knight. They said very old sounding vows that were very pretty, and overall it was a very unique and good feeling wedding. We all had a great time. I got to dress in a celtic sarong that the bride gave to me and the other girls, and there was lovely celtic music and home cooked food (it was in their backyard also).

So yeah, I think it really depends on what you connect with, if you are passionate about something, include it in your wedding and make it personalized. But more than anything, have a really good time!

Also, I was wondering about what anyone thought about the whole priest thing…I’m not specifically religious, but I am spiritual. I think though that my partner might lean more towards religion, though I can’t say which one, haha. I just don’t know what the options are for who says the “I pronounce you…” thing.

#3

Congratulations Dan!

#4

Congratulations Dan!

#5

Congradulations Dan!

#6

Thanks everyone!

#7

Congratulations to you & your partner Dan!

Cheers to marriage and partnership and the starting, strengthening and building of families, huzzah! [I raise virtual glass of sparkling dandelion wine] Hurray for families and friends celebrating and supporting a new partnership at its beginning, and perhaps more importantly, throughout its lifetime.

To tell my story, I’ve learned to have some misgivings and wariness about Marriage[sup]TM[/sup] as a dark-flowering artifact of a sick culture. I had a marriage, then it ended. It devastated me to discover that marriage doesn’t actually mean security or freedom from risk, change, or unforeseen problems (including the ravages of civilization itself!!!). Civilized culture encourages us to believe this about life in general if you “follow the rules”.

In the fairy tale images of the great american wedding machine, which starts with little girls and princess stories and dresses, and leads to a giant industry providing the many must-have pieces of the ritual, which carry all the depth of meaning that purchasing with the almighty dollar can imbue, but have no relationship to (reinforcing, representing, or telling a story about) the strength and power of family. The traditions of the white wedding gown and “a diamond is forever” have loads more to do with hierarchy, war, commerce, the rape of mountains, slavery, and sexual ownership of women than love, and I don’t believe either is more than, say, 100 years old? Bleh.

I wonder, too, about the gargantuan burden this culture places on marriages, for one human relationship between two people to replace the vast net of various flavors and colors of intimacy and support provided by an intact culture.

I’ve heard, though I haven’t researched it myself, that the “civil ceremony” and papers that make a marriage “legal” represent an agreement with the state (our laws form the Uniform Commercial Code) that “products of the marriage” become property of the state, who will deign to let you raise them if you follow their rules.

I guess herein lies another part of our challenge, as creators of a new culture, to fill in this particular gaping hole with something more life affirming and supportive for the “initiation” and long-term practice of family partnerships. And a supportive context, a soft bed or nest of caring relationships for a family to nestle into.

That Celtic wedding sounds like loads of fun, Selkie! My cousin got married in a kilt recently, too. Also, the red dresses worn in many cultures, I think it looks like blood–joining of blood of two families, as well as health, abundance, aliveness. I look forward to hearing more about what you guys come up with, Dan. ;D

#8

Wow, that totally scares the shit out of me. Or at least, it would if I gave a damn about the law.

I’m very sorry to hear about that. The way a lot of marriages go, and just what marriage represents to a lot of people, we considered just not getting married. Who the fuck cares, if we’re together and love each other, we said. Ultimately we decided to make it official for a lot of reasons, partially family, partially insurance, partially just felt like it. Partially to get back at everyone else and their boring weddings.

Hopefully, with our attitude of “Us against the world!”, we can continue to weather some of the assault that is civilization. It’s served us well so far.

#9
Also, I was wondering about what anyone thought about the whole priest thing...I'm not specifically religious, but I am spiritual. I think though that my partner might lean more towards religion, though I can't say which one, haha. I just don't know what the options are for who says the "I pronounce you..." thing.
I've heard, though I haven't researched it myself, that the "civil ceremony" and papers that make a marriage "legal" represent an agreement with the state (our laws form the Uniform Commercial Code) that "products of the marriage" become property of the state, who will deign to let you raise them if you follow their rules.

What Yarrow says pretty much sums it up who really in modern marriages, pronounces you. Yes, not the priest, not god, the state.

The act of the priest pronouncing goes to the priest acting as a type of community support and intercessor of the sacred, thus in wedding, the priest prouncing symbolically holds in the eyes of the community and beyond, the union of the couple.

#10
What Yarrow says pretty much sums it up who really in modern marriages, pronounces you. Yes, not the priest, not god, the state.

The act of the priest pronouncing goes to the priest acting as a type of community support and intercessor of the sacred, thus in wedding, the priest prouncing symbolically holds in the eyes of the community and beyond, the union of the couple.

I really don’t care about the legal part, but I want some sort of spiritual person to bind us with words of wisdom and such…I guess. So, does the legal stuff matter? Will we want to have it legal? The only thing I can think of is that it would maybe affect our future children when we have them if we aren’t married. But then, can we have someone spiritual lead our ceremony and make it legal, but not be all “state-sent”? I guess I don’t know much about it…

#11

I just found this thread. I’ve been an absent delinquent around here lately…

Congratulations Dan! Your commitment and thoughtfulness is inspiring to witness.