warning: a weird tangential rant that I don’t know where else to put.
so i go with my mom to the mattress store. i do not know initially that mattress store = used car lot, as mattresses sell for the same prices as used cars. weird. but i figure this out.
i watch the salesman doing his shtick, and i begin to see the transparency of the sales shtick. i like the salesman, but at the same time i see his manipulation. at one point he shows my mom the cheapest bed “just to see what she thinks”, without tellng her the price (“don’t look at the price yet, just try it”). well of course it feels like shit, right? but doesn’t the salesman look so honest, cuz he gave her the chance to go for the concrete cheapy bed?
In my mind the e-primitive questioning just rolls and rolls…what behaviors do i observe in him? what does he feel? what needs do those suggest? his thoughts almost seem irrelevant, just the rawness of his desire for the sale, like on a scent trail to a kill. I just realized that - I don’t really care what people think anymore. I want to know what they feel, so I can follow them to what needs those feelings indicate.
In other areas of my life too, I almost feel covered in a layer of teflon, similar to Richard’s post before me. Anyone can say anything to me, and (barring me feeling way burnt out/tired/sick) it just bounces off of me. I see the harmless opinions come flying out of their mouths, the self-labeling, labeling of others, and it just all sounds like interesting ways of seeing the world.
When someone says “You suck!” I respond with “Tell me more!”, if I have energy, or I walk away.
It excites me to have conversations with people who possess little self-knowledge, as I can watch their eyes roll back into their heads as I turn their guilt trip into a quest for understanding each other.
And I continue to get to know myself…as I ask empathic e-primitive and clarifying questions of them, without concern for “what they think”, I find the questions change me too…suddenly the empathy I only half-felt (or not at all) blooms into real empathy and interest in where they stand. my desire to shit-talk has waned (although i haven’t let ken wilbur off the hook just yet… just kidding). This e-primitive stuff seems to change me, the goal constantly receding into the distance revealing new horizons and levels of experience.
I feel like I don’t know anything, and like I just got the coolest christmas toy ever. and i have the rest of my life to play with it and share it with my friends.
i don’t fear my own depression, fear, anger, resentment, frustration anymore. they seem like welcome friends that remind me about addressing unmet needs that i thought i could side step. or simply friends to wait with as i watch the weather pass by and the trees speak their names with the leaf-filtered breeze.
and then off course i don’t get enough sleep or something and i remember what it feels like to fear all the feelings that “i don’t fear anymore”. but what the hell. just getting a taste suffices for now. i have my whole life to learn this stuff!