Depression

Visions of the Rewilding Renaissance Grief & Praise
#1

Has anyone had to tackle depression related to their rewilding?

I discovered rewilding for myself about two years ago, and I’ve been sucking up information like a sponge. It’s been an absolute blast for me so far, and I’ve begun the preliminary steps toward putting into practice what I’ve been internalizing so far. Very exciting. Sometimes I wonder if I got it too right too fast, though.

But part of my experience has been reading “inspirational” things. I started, like most people, with Daniel Quinn. I felt pretty good about my situation after reading “Ishmael”, and better still about “The Story of B”, but I also noticed that my view of the world around me got… I dunno… darker (not to sound all emo or anything). It’s like someone dimmed down the fluorescent light a bit. I noticed hierarchy a little more pointedly, and felt the rift between myself and my co-workers, some of my friends, and even some family members that I’d never noticed before, but all things considered, felt slightly wiser about the world.

Eventually I found my way to other writers, most recently D. Jensen. I chewed through both volumes of Endgame in like… a month, and immediately started on some others, as well as other authors. Then the depression really hit me. It seems everywhere I look I’m utterly awash in the misery of other creatures. I see monoculture crop fields and can’t hold back a sigh. I passed a cow trailer today on the highway and damn near burst into honest-to-god tears, knowing what those beautiful, dumb, hopeless creatures were in store for. People tell me about the television shows they watch and I furrow my brow in utter confusion because I just can’t relate to it anymore (I haven’t really sat down and watched TV in something close to 5 years – I suppose that could count as my very first baby-step to rewilding wistful sigh). I hear about “free trade” and “made by the hard-working, indigenous peoples of… wherever” (Chuck Palahniuk) and I just feel… down, because I know it’s 110% bull-shit to make consumers feel less guilty. Someone was talking about the seals in California being trapped and how that was “so humane of them” and it was “a shame that some yokel came in and just shot them” (yeah, right… say, I’ve got this nice bridge for sale). I feel it’s all just BS, now. I know all these horrible things that, three years ago I couldn’t have even guessed at. The massacre of the Zapatistas. Bisphenol A. Dioxin. Coho Salmon slowly going extinct. Police corruption and brutality (as if there’s ever been any other kind of police). “Massive”(sic) oil reserves under Venezuala. Growth Hormones in just about EVERYTHING (and people actually still genuinely wonder why their 2-year-old looks like she’s supposed to be 5!? - “Well they should be eatin’ US Beef - it’s good for 'em!” ~ GW Bush)

All this… STUFF just swims and squirms in my head, and I feel like I’m going under. Today I considered seeking professional help because it’s just so crushing, and I’m afraid I’ll develop secondary problems over it. I’m hesitant though, because at the same time, any counselor(sic) I see is inexorably just a joyful fan-boy of the very system that’s depressing me in the first place, and I most certainly DO NOT want to be medicated. I don’t want someone to put me back to sleep. I don’t want to forget what I’ve learned so far, as horrible and nightmarish as it all can be. I don’t want a 25 year office job, a crap retirement plan, 2.5 kids, and a one-way ticket to a waiting room where people watch me die so they can get on with their own white-picket fences and well-manicured lawns… but at the same time, I see this stuff everywhere, and I’m constantly reminded of the darkest things I’ve learned. I keep flashing back to those damned cows (how’s that for an appropriate use of the word ‘damned’? How much more damned can a creature get?) and sometimes I just can’t get the images out of my head…

So I apologize for the emo venting, but I’m wondering if any of you out there have felt a similar kind of mental/psychological pressure at any point during your rewilding experience? If so, how did/do you deal with it? I am truly and utterly desperate for suggestions. “These are the times that try mens’ souls”, eh?

Catch up with y’all later.

~ SW

#2

I’m right there with you. I just wrote about my depression a few weeks ago:

Meaninglessness Vs. Rewilding

If you read the comments people have left, you’ll see that you are not alone.

#3

One of your comments, the one about therapists being “fan-boys” of the system, reminded me of a scene in Jensen’s graphic novel “As the World Burns”, which I just read yesterday. I recommend that to get just the right mix of anger, depression, and humor.

Seriously though, I wish I could offer some great solace to you guys when you need it. Unfortunately, I rarely get depressed. Some part of our culture’s macho programming got through to me, so instead of depression, I just get pissed off. REALLY pissed off. I sometimes suspect this is just how I express depression that I don’t consciously recognize.

So I guess the best advice someone like me can really give is to channel your depression into some righteous anger. Break something, fuck something up, smash some small part of the system. It feels good.

#4

Me too, Dan. I don’t generally get depressed, so much as I become an avatar of righteous anger, in the Biblical, Old Testament sense.

#5

YES!

I sometimes feel as if rewilding makes me lose my mind. Or helps me lose my mind.

maybe I just exchange it for another mind. mindset. changed mind. changed heart.

I read this somewhere: I die daily. That feels pretty much like what I’ve got going on.

Reading Derrick Jensen (and others) made me feel physically sick. Kinda like drinking a poison that causes you to detox, purge some stuff.

During childbirth, at some point a transition happens when all the dilation, the work of stretching out, making an opening for something new to come through ends and the birthing begins. I vomited madly at this point.

I hear that flying insects turn completely liquid inside their coccoons.

What I mean to say here: I think rewilding means change, transformation, and rewilding never ends, so will we ever come out the other side as “the new thing”? Yes and no. Yes, it will happen every day, as long as you keep rewilding.

And the process hurts! A ton! have you ever seen a werewolf movie where the transformation went quietly, with no noise and violence and anguish?

And no, you’ll never reach the end, done, you/we who rewild keep turning back to liquid and reforming all the time.

so, hurray for the depression and madness of those-who-rewild!

#6

Yes, yes, yes.

I became depressed after I became aware of what civilization really means and does, what it denies, and how it lies to us.

As for anger, I believe that it is a healthy response. After I get angry, I feel less depressed. I read a quote from a psychologist once; it seemed on point: “Nothing makes us more exhausted than suppressing our feelings.”

SW, I would suggest (but not expect you to take this suggestion) that you take an activity that you love (like music, writing, a craft, etc), something that already feels familiar and comfortable and well-worn, and use that activity as a sanctuary in which you can express anger and other emotions related to grief in a constructive way.

That is something that has worked for me. I have had writer’s block for over 2 years now, but when I get it back, I know I will get over my depression. (In the meantime, I have a therapist to get me through it and keep me functioning at an OK level.) It’s something I know in my body, having beaten depression through writing many times, in cycles of varying magnitude.

#7

Like Dan and Jason I’m in the anger camp, apparently. I’ve taken a kind of stoic approach to this shit. God, I hate civ with every fiber of my body.

I’ve only cried once in the past year, while reading A Language Older Than Words. I feel like I should cry more, a lot more. Incidentally, I started sobbing uncontrollably in a dream recently while clutching a copy of that book.

I’ve decided the best and only therapy for me is to work for ecological succession, which is to say to work for life, which is to work against civilization. That and probably self-medicating with alcohol every now and then.

None of this sounds healthy I suppose, but I maintain a pretty constant energy level which I consider healthy. Not that I get anything done with that…

#8

I’ve felt both anger and depression. I mostly feel anger at the things that civ ha done and depression at the feeling that there is no way out or down. I want to try to explore this depression and where it really leads me into connection with the rest of the world, I just wish I had more time. I think that this depression , which isn’t about us personally, has so much to offer in terms of really coming into the whole “if one person in the world is in chains, I am in chains” thing.

It is horrible to work through, but I think, that by working through it, we can truly find ourselves as beings that relate. I’ve tried this as much as I can and it is moving.

#9

I too am full of anger and grief. Id hit something if only i knew what. Of course it isnt that simple. Also rewilding has killed my identity. I no longer care much for the talk of politics and the revolutionary rhetoric of ages past. It bores me and it feels flat and meaningless to me these days. No longer do i care much for symbolic revolt and do i long to spend my days with friends in close contact, talking and playing games and just sitting in the sun. These days i find some comfort in watching the birds fly their patterns across the sky. Sometimes i feel like im turning back to where i started my journey of life. This whole apocalyptic thing makes everything much more beautiful too. Like how some flowers bloom for very short periods. Endings give us meaning and perspective. Also i found so much pain inside me. I have not dealt with that yet. I have not cried for such a long time. Not really with all that ive got, but i can feel it inside me, sometimes choking me. I long for a life away from this all but at the same time i dont want to close my eyes. Sometimes im afraid civ will get me. Make me close my eyes. Makes me submit and that frightens me sooo incredibly much. It wouldnt make me enjoy its pleasures, it would just kindof choke me, contain me, kill me. Put me in an endless civilized depression.

I feel traumatized.

#10

Hello. I have been reading on this forum for some time and appreciated it a lot, but I have not felt the need to sign up before seeing this post. Maybe I’ll do an introduction later on :slight_smile: (btw, English is not my native language so please forgive me if i spell things wrong or speak nonsense )

Anyhow, for me the process of getting to understand the damage civilisation has done to the world and doing rewildering kind of things has been quite empowering on a personal scale. I’ve always had a tendency towards depression, and I think the main reason for that has been that I’ve felt alienated from my familiy, friends, myself and society as a whole for as long as I can remember. It has been very difficult to understand and tackle because I couldn’t explain why I felt the way I did.

It took an eating disorder to realise that there is something very wrong with a person who feels repulsed by her own physical needs, and for me that was the real opening towards rewildering. One thing is that I understand the problem of industry and civilisation on a political and social level, but over the years I have come to trust even more on my ‘guts’ (I don’t know if that’s the right word?). I know that for every new edible plant I get to know, for every skill I learn and for every further kilometer I can run without getting exhausted, I get a better sense of connection with the wild woman within me and I can use her anger and rage in a constructive way, instead of as before, getting confused and afraid and hurt myself. It’s very instinctual in a way.

I no longer feel like an idiot because I don’t understand how a telephone work, and I no longer feel that I have to defend my resentment towards a lot of normal and accepted parts of modern society (as for example, music made on and recorded by electronic devices). I am strong and proud and I have been able to convince people of the sensible in my political views far better by building a kayak together with them than by going on about peak oil or throwing books titles at them.

Of course I get angry and upset about how our culture is killing the world, and of course I understand how urgent it is to take action, but I no longer feel paralyzed or impovireshed and I know that the best thing I can do is to gain independence of the political system and what it provides and to pass on my experiences to other people.

So, in short, I frankly feel quite good and I consider myself to be a rather joyful person :slight_smile:

#11

i can definitely relate to what you’re saying. for me, the hardest part of realizing how fucked up this shit is and seeing it on a daily basis is the feeling of being alone and isolated. it’s pretty frustrating when no one around seems to notice it or just excepts it as part of life.
the realization that civilization is going to destroy the world and that no one can stop it definitely gets to me. but i’ve found that while anger and depression are completely valid responses, it dosn’t help me to cling to those feelings. it 's important for me to get angry and to feel like shit but it’s better to be able to do something constructive with those feelings and not become a part of the problem myself and give into feeling like life is completely useless, and in the end believing it is. be it throwing seed bombs over fences and into vacant lots, writing on walls, giving old people my bus seat when no one else will or hanging out with my niece and nephew and encouraging their wildness, whatever it is, i try to rewild not only through primitive skills and stuff, but also through my everyday actions and the way i communicate with the world around me. i make the world a better place instead of being apathetic and depressed because it just isn’t constructive. i know that if i let myself go, i’d most likely just become a part of the problem myself. whatever you do, don’t let that happen. that’s what “they” want you to do. for the longest time i felt like life had nothing to offer me anymore, then i realized that it wasn’t about what life had to offer me but what i had to offer life. resist and exist.

p.s.
and being emotional is not being emo. there’s no reason to apologize for genuine emotion. i think relearning how to express emotion is as much part of rewilding as anything else.

#12

Hey Ninla, feels nice to see another Scandinavian here!! ;D

Sorry, just wanted to burst out with that. :stuck_out_tongue: Carry on this interesting sharing-of-stories, please.

PS: I harbor deep hate towards the ‘emo’ word. No doubt it has killed off lots of outlets for real sorrow. :’(

#13

i also felt very depressed sometimes. but that was when i was still going to school and being constantly exposed to people i hated.

as a solution i have sort of “simplified” my life. i have stopped thinking so much and begun to move more. it feels good. doing stuff with my body gives me a sense of purpose. i see less “strangers” now than i did before which certainly help because i dont have to be constantly nervous about what they will do and how i should respond.

i have decided that no matter how much i think about the shit of civ and how it affects humans and nature it will not change a thing. instead i can only try to make myself happy by doing what i want. life is short and the only thing i can do is to try to live by my instincts.

Ninla and Odineeus: i am scandinavian too!

#14

…and I have decided to take that as advice!

Thank you!

#15

exm, odineeus, and ninla:

my ancestors come from denmark! my dad and brother leave the u.s. to visit our hometown this monday!

:slight_smile: sorry about the tangent. :slight_smile:

#16

Well, if anyone wants to funnel that depression/anger into a cause, the Haskell-Baker (Wakarusa) Wetlands in Kansas are officially going to be paved over :-[ we could use some help in halting this bullshit! The Governor’s veto was overridden earlier this year.

I manage my depression fairly well, but this is going to send me into hysterics.

#17

Ouch, that is horrible!! I can’t believe that legislation allowing shit like that still passes, in this day and age of urban planning.

What strategies are being employed to counter the decision?

#18

And so I don’t feel so… alone. Thank you all for sharing these ideas. I totally relate.

Whatever you do, do not let this destroy your life, which is essentially what is happening to me.

i’m a very socially awkward person… and over the years, I’ve grown ashamed of my association with anarcho-primitivism. It’s become a part of me that I’ve come to hate as I see it as a part of everything that is “wrong” with me and everything that makes me unable to get along with people.

I’ve also become exhausted by being on-alert about the destruction of our world all the freakin’ time. $126 oil (rising fast) and talk of salmon collapse makes me sick and frightened.

#19

My depression comes and goes.
I work on an organic crannberry farm in northern Wisconsin.
They just recently went “organic” Though It is still a fully industrial farm in the sense that we use machinery and oil to run that machinery.
Yes I realize that I am a slave somewhat by choice.
Yes I get depressed at times When I realize this is not the life I want.
I look at this place right now as using the system to get to where I want to be.
I am not saying that money is neccessary to rewild, by no means!
It is just a temporary path that I have chosen.
There are times when sadness wells up, such as times when my favorite places to watch deer and fox were leveled out to build a subdivision.
There are so many places that are being threatened, like the Yellowdog and Salmon trout water sheds near where I live in Michigan.
Corparate Giant Kennecot Minerals wants to pull out tons of Iron sulfide ore
right under the salmon trout river.
The runoff of acids would kill all wild life in the stream, and eventually reach lake Superior, the largest freshwater lake in the world and the cleanest of the great lakes.
Kennecot has mines all over the world,Arizona,Minnesota ect.
I know we all have our local places with local problems, but for those of us nearby,
I just wanted to create some awareness of this issue.
I dont know the best approach to fighting things like this, It seems that peaceful protesting,and petitions dont work all that well sometimes.
For those near enough by with the time or resources, you could turn your depression into anger and channel it against these capitalist fuckers.
Check out, savethewildup.org
Sorry if this sounds like an advertisment.
It is just a wonderful,beautiful place that I think of as home, and some greedy,ignorant, assholes want to fuck it up.
Most of the time I am a quite cheerful not often depressed person.
I realize that it isnt good to be depressed all the time, so I try not to focus on everything bad all the time, and listen to the news rarely.
Rewilding ourselves and just living it as much as we can,will be an example to the world in itself. It just might be contagious. And thats a good thing.
ofthewood

#20

I’ve found that most of my depression stims from civilisation’s causes. Environmental and existential.

That’s why my depression tends to worsen every time I’m forced to do some “civilised” activity like working at a job I don’t like, doing things that don’t benefit me or the environment (A cog in the machine), job interviews, shopping, and so on.

When I’m reminded that I’m a wild person, out in the woods, gathering medicines or with friends, I’m a fine happy person. But expose me (and probably most of hte other posters here) to civilisation and that sickness of depression just comes back.

In civilisation, they call depression an illness, but it’s my opinion that depression is a symptom of a worse illness: society.