I wrote this privately to Willem in an E-mail, but that was only because the new Mythic Cartography website is currently not compatible with me sending comments on my computer. So I am posting an edited form here.
Almost a year has passed since I have written on this forum. Although I say that I intend to withdraw from the group, I still come back to this forum, the College blog, the Anthropik archives, yearning to learn more about the rewilding perspective. I periodically write back here, and then go back into my community that has nothing to do with rewilding. I struggle to integrate what I read here, which I truly do respect, into a community that has no ties with rewilding. I do not live near Portland, or Pittsburgh, and have never met a Rewilder in person.
As I mature, I learn more about the blindness that I have had in my past. This blindness was partly fueled by my Autism. I have Autism and will live with Autism my entire life. I'm proud of being Autistic despite the struggles it gives me, and the realization that it's probably not possible for me, due to my autism and other reasons, to be able to survive outside of Civilization. But then again--maybe I could share my perspective and tell my stories to the other Rewilders.
I did not come to rewilding to learn its philosophy. I came to it thinking that since a societal collapse was coming, I had to Rewild or else I would Die. I realize now that just coming here to attempt to Survive will never enable me to truly Rewild. I never really shared the philosophy, I just wanted to Live. Now I have come to terms with the reality of Death and the acknowledgment, as mentioned above, that my autism will prohibit me from actually surviving outside of Civilization.
I realized that in my early 20s, in 2010, I had to walk away from the Movement because it was driving me to Madness. I could not accept the reality of dying within Civilization, since I had a career plan and a goal within Civilization that was being shattered. I wanted to be an author, speaker with autism, and possibly a special education teacher. I thought I could no longer write since writing was a sin against Reality, and deadened my senses and my being. I thought I could no longer Speak since I couldn't give up the verb "to be" in my speaking. I thought as if my entire Identity was being destroyed by people who told me I had to give up what defined me as a person, or Die. I felt paralyzed. As if my entire soul was being destroyed at the hands of Rewilders on a computer screen. I've always had a career path and dream that requires Civilization, and being told of the imminent collapse of civilization resulted in the collapse of my dream, and the destruction of my soul. And then, I would then turn off my computer and find a "flesh and blood" community that didn't even know or understand Rewilding.
Accepting Death enabled me to start the path of understanding the Rewilding Philosophy, and return to the movement earlier in 2015. No longer did I come here to survive, I came to Learn. My autism would make Rewilding impossible for me, but I can still share my thoughts and Listen to other Rewilders.
This has also allowed me to start to understand this school of thought without having to go Mad that I cannot be Purist in a belief system that I was never truly able to Understand. My lack of Understanding this, and the Shame I felt for failing to Understand this, caused the madness.
Many have said that we Fear what we do not Understand. My madness emerged from that Fear. That I never truly Understood what and why the Rewilders were telling me, and my failure to Understand them caused this madness. Freed from the desire to Survive as a rewilder has enabled me to attempt to Understand them more, and to reconcile with my past, but to do so in my relative youth. I am still in my 20s, even though I am now in my late 20s, and am attempting to still Learn as long as I am able to.
I realize now that to learn from this blindness, I had to accept the reality of Death. When this culture collapses, I will have to die with it. But I realize this--if so many people in this community acknowledge that the Earth cannot support all of the Billions of people in a Rewilded state, then there should be people willing to Die so that space can be made for the Rewilders.
Although I have never been to Portland, Portland is also a city that has actually had a Spiritual connection to me. The Spiritual connection is that it is the setting of a series of amazing stories that are respected by people with the condition of Autism. Someday I plan to travel to Portland and make a pilgrimage to a monument inside the city to admire these stories that have become legends to the Autism community. The Autism community is the community that I am a part of. And to make amends as much from the blindness of my past. I was so harsh to so many Rewilders in my past. I apologize and feel bad for my Blindness. I apologize for my failure to Listen to Jason Godesky, Ran Prieur, Oneida Kincaid, and other rewilders during the time when I wanted to just survive.
I know I may never attend a rewilding group, as I am a man of limited means and have no car, prohibiting me to drive to many rural places (sadly, public transit only serves certain cities and towns). But I can still read the forum, yet do so peacefully and with Patience, Wisdom, and the ability to better Listen, and share Stories as well. And not just come back when I am going through times of Depression. Join the community when I am now hopefully Ready to do so!
Happy New Year everyone. I shall now go back to celebrating New Year's Eve and New Year's Day with some old friends. Sometimes the computer takes you away from interacting with real people a little too much!