Partner-based Birth Control

I think that most sexual dynamics between men and women are deeply affected - and often damaged by - the fact that almost all birth control methods save the condom are undertaken by the woman and have negative affects on her whole physiology (even the diaphragm, which is non-hormonal, is suffocating to the cervix if you have a healthy libido - having to keep it on for six hours after sex means your cervix will be smothered in spermicide and plastic for much of your life if you happen to want to have sex every day or even every other day).

Also, external methods of birth control are products someone profits from - they imply that being fertile is something that is a nuisance that should be removed from conscious awareness with the most convenient possible means - something external to oneself. Of course, imperfect options are better than none. That said, what options are out there that aren’t marketed or shared because they don’t make anyone money and they rely on communication, body-awareness, and constant, conscious deliberation about what it means to be fertile?

I started a little 'zine a while back on sexual alchemy and i never finished it, but I did outline the partner-based birth control method that I have used successfully for over two years. This is what I wrote; hopefully it will be of interest:


I’m totally excited about the possibilities of closer intimacy and greater sexual enjoyment through the use of what I call a “partner-based” birth control method - combining sexual alchemy, fertility awareness, changing of vaginal PH, and - most importantly - intentionality. This method of birth control is for a couple in a committed relationship who are both on a conscious spiritual path, are practicing non-ejaculatory sex, and who have the patience and interest to know their own bodies well. When we are tuned in, we can care for ourselves and others in a more effective way.


In Taoist Sexual Alchemy, the male doesn’t ejaculate and the woman doesn’t ovulate, unless they want to conceive. I think it’s clear that the simple act of the male choosing not to ejaculate is not sufficient as a method of birth control, and could be equivalent to withdrawal in effectiveness, particularly with a “drippy” guy. Read Mantak Chia’s books “Healing Love Through the Tao” and “Taoist Secrets of Love” for further instruction, and use a backup method of birth control during the “learning curve,” until the man has mastered control over his impulse to ejaculate.

The focus is not exactly taken away from the groin area, but the groin is seen only as the central starting point from which you can energize your whole system. The basic Taoist observation is that there are different forms of chi, or life force, and one of the most potent forms of chi is the sexual chi, or jing chi, because it can create life. And if we don’t want to create life every time we have sex (which most people don’t), then it’s therefore a waste of chi to expend it externally through orgasm. This is a very controversial idea for most westerners. The idea, however, is not to surpress orgasm, but to channel it inwards rather than outwards. Both the male and the female recirculate the orgasmic jing chi back into your system to energize all of tjeir organs, and in that sense it’s a form of health care.

Since it takes many years for a woman to stop menstruating through Taoist Alchemy and meditation, that’s clearly not an immediate possibility for birth control, especially for new practitioners of the art.

According to the Taoists, women lose their chi more drastically through menstruation than through orgasm. Ovulation and menstruation are the female equivalent of the male losing his seed. By doing the orbit meditation, women can actually eventually stop having their period altogether, since the life-creating energy is being internalized, rather than sent outwards. I haven’t ever had the goal of stopping my period, but my roommate, who introduced me to this and who has successfully used this as a form of birth control for three years, has succeeded in stopping her menstruation. Nuns in China called this “Slaying the Red Dragon.” Many people are horrified at this idea, even though many hormonal methods of birth control suppress ovulation as well, though not the bleeding. My periods have gotten much lighter and easier when I have been doing the meditation more diligently. Menstruation can be resumed when and if you want to conceive, by stopping the meditation.

Even if you’re not in a long-term, sexual relationship, you can develop your awareness of the energies in your body by doing the solo cultivation; it doesn’t necessarily need to have anything to do with sexual relationship. This is just about being empowered and distributing the chi evenly throughout your body. You can learn that technique and use it for being energized, and then when you do get into a sexual relationship, you’ve developed that ability.


There are other, more accurate and less-tedious ways to gauge how fertile you are in your cycle besides taking your basal temperature. This method is only effective for detecting ovulation if the temperature is taken at the same time each day, something which was inconvenient for me.

I’ve started to gauge where I am in my cycle by the position of my cervix in the vaginal canal, and the wideness of the opening to the cervix (the os) along with the hardness of the cervix. As ovulation nears, the os opens up, there is a slippery liquid at the opening, and the whole cervix itself rises higher and higher in the vaginal canal as ovulation approaches. After ovulation, the cervix begins to descend again, grows firmer (like pressing the end of your nose) and the os, or opening to the cervix, becomes smaller again. Go to for more info and photos of the cervix at different times of the month.

To find out more about fertility awareness though mucus observation, visit: .


I’ve read of whores in Mexico who insert a coke bottle in their vagina to change the ph and make it less hospitable to sperm. I myself have used a small amount (about 1 teaspoon) of high quality apple cider vinegar to a cup of water. After engaging in sex in which my partner does not ejaculate in me, I wash out my vagina with this solution using my fingers. The acidity should kill any lingering sperm. This is the part of the birth control method that could use the most improvement. The vagina is a delicate environment, and you don’t want to throw it off balance. The vagina is normally acidic, becoming less so as ovulation nears. Vinegar is also a good antidote to candida infections, so I feel this douche is not harmful. However, it would be nice to discover other natural spermicides.


Even fairly radical hippies I’ve spoken with, who’ve tried a lot of things, have been wary of this method as I have described it to them, especially the intentionality aspect. So many of them have experienced negative results from the rhythm method. Also, though they may believe that one’s intentions directly influence one’s life, they would be hard-pressed to use intentionality as a form of birth control. I am not advocating the use of any one of these systems alone as a form of birth control - but, used together, they have been effective for me and others using this method for years.

In this method, both partners state their intentions not to conceive out loud to each other at the end of every menstrual cycle, and before having sex. This aspect of the birth control is very powerful, because both people communicate their desire to each other not to conceive, and in so doing, communicate to any souls waiting at the door who may be waiting for any slightest opening.

The couple gives reasons for not wanting to start a family. While they may already know as individuals that they don’t want to conceive, the stating and sharing of the intention out loud as a couple is significant, and part of the spiritual practice.

Part of this practice is also to acknowledge any feelings either person has had to conceive. This feeling is not repressed, and if the couple sees this desire but still feels it is not the right time, they state more firmly their reasons for not wanting to conceive (obviously if they decide they DO want to conceive, this is an option too!). The couple also states their intentions for the whole relationship, and reflects on their interactions and intimacy over the past month, becoming more aware and deliberate in how they want to relate as partners.


Since the majority of contraceptive methods are designed for women’s use, sex can be infected with the fear of pregnancy and the resulting resentment that the man doesn’t have to shoulder much responsibility in preventing conception. This resentment and fear naturally affects the woman’s overall desire. To be freed from anxiety, fear, and resentment is so huge. Underneath those feelings lie the woman’s natural desire and love of sex, which easily equals or surpasses that of man’s.

This partner-based birth control method is a spiritual practice. It is radically different than other forms available, in that this is not an external method, where you rely on the condom or rely on the pill to prevent getting pregnant - you rely on each other, and that requires being in tune continually – with your own body and with your partner. It takes sensitivity, time, and communication to accomplish this method, and can be very rich, enjoyable, and valuable as a result. It’s a joy to be in tune because that’s why two people come together - because they like each other. It’s not like it’s a hassle to tune in; that’s part of the spiritual practice. It requires self-discipline, self-awareness. It’s the opposite of the consumerist approach to sex and birth control.

Spirituality acknowledges the human capacity to direct energy in a highly evolved way. So the relation of this method to spirituality lies not only in the power of choosing how to expend sexual energy; it also provides a map and understanding of the pathways that energy flows in the body, through the organs. And because each organ in Chinese medicine is associated with certain emotions, an organ with depleted chi is going to result in negative emotions. The reverse also happens, where negative emotions deplete that organ, and this in turn effects the glands associated with each organ, and their capacity to produce the drugs and hormones necessary for balanced functioning and therefore for happiness. A sexual practice that incorporates focused, directed chi in an intentional effort to energize and heal the loved one is very beneficial, because it is through generosity and selflessness that we tap into our true spiritual power.

I think that the spiritual impulse is basically the impulse to examine how one seeks to live one’s life, and to try to find a way to live that is harmonious, energized, and peaceful. Being fertile is a very powerful capacity, so applying our awareness and intention to how we interact as fertile beings is not only important, but crucial to our own feeling of completion as sexual human beings.

Thanks for sharing this, hotspring. These ideas fascinate me even as they go against my western-civilized grain.

Would you mind if I turn your post into an article on the wiki?

Interesting stuff! Have you ever done the thing where you look at your saliva to see if it crystalizes when you are ovulating? I used to do that.

what about coitus interruptus (a.k.a. pulling out)? I have practiced this with all of my partners to no ill effect (pregnancy). Perhaps i have a low sperm count, but i did some research on it a year or two ago and found that the only danger is if you pull out, ejaculate and then go right back at it. Reason being the forecum will now have the viable semen you just ejaculated into the urethra in it. Simply taking a pee will kill this semen due to the acidity of urine, and it is then safe to have sex again. Regular forecum comes from the cowper’s gland and apparently doesn’t have viable semen in it (don’t hold me to this).
Alot of people luagh at this method and call it stupid - but it works for me and many others. I always wonder why so many people have babies they don’t want when they could just pull out?

it would be really fun to get a microscope and look at forecome and see how much sperm is in there, then experiment with different substances and drop them on the sperm and watch them die !!! I’ve read conflicting accounts of the amount of sperm in precome. Certainly there’s less. It’s probably unlikely there is none, but if that is the case, please do some research and post a link to that info. It would be good to know. Even if there’s drastically less, it only takes one. So using withdrawal as part of the whole method I mention (including the acidic or alkaline douching, the fertility awareness, and the intentionality) but replacing the orgasmic rechanneling with withdrawal seems like it would be just as effective (as you mentioned, provided you don’t go at it again with a sperm-covered penis).

I’m glad you’ve been sucessful with withdrawal for so long. I know others who have as well. I also know others who have gotten pregnant using it, as well as others who have gotten pregnant on the pill, diaphragm, and every other method out there. This is where the intentionality part comes in. The point is that we are often not explicit enough with the universe and so life finds a way through almost any method. I think the one I propose is the most foolproof and the most rich, rewarding, meaningful and fun. But perhaps even this could be improved upon, so let’s all put in our input!

If the civilized world were to collapse (which many people here seem to believe), it would be a real bummer to be dependent upon the pill when that happens. I actually don’t even know any women besides one who genuinely like the pill as a birth control method. The one girl I do know started using it at age sixteen and probably likes it because she has nothing to compare it to (ie, what she feels like as a sexual being without it.) I hate to be condescending here but lets face it, I am. I think hormonal birth control is a serious barrier method, covering a very essential part of a woman’s sensuality (her body thinks its pregnant, for one thing). The other ladies I know who like the pill seem to like it because of other advantages that have more to do with attracting a mate than with mating (ie, clearer skin, swollen breasts). But this may be cancelled out by the fact that women who use the pill also have different pheremones, and are less able able to smell and differentiate the pheremones of genetically diverse, and therefore desirable and compatible mates.

THere’s a great forum dedicated to lovemaking without orgasm which is well worth looking into: (also has a lot of info on recovering from porn addiction, and the biochemical aspects of addiction in general - ie, dopamine or desire is based off of anticipation rather than on getting, liking, or exchanging, whereas oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding drug helps people to sustain relationships and interest). As a woman exploring taoist sexual alchemy, I was elated that I didn’t have to give up my orgasm, since I thought the chi for the woman was lost through menstruation. But I’m more and more excited about the idea of having sex where I am on the verge of orgasm for extended periods of time and then choosing not to have one, channeling that ecstatic energy into all that I do and remaining subtly turned on all the time, rather than expelling the buildup. There are accounts of women at this site who have hundreds of multiple orgasms and then are totally depleted for weeks at a time. The exhaustion for the guy is even more obvious. Never hurts to try new things out!

wow, hotspring, thanks for sharing these ideas.
I agree, there is alot to be said for intentionality.


I’ve dabbled (hmm…wrong word?..I think ducks ‘dabble’…) in the taoist sexual practices myself. I too recommend exploring it. I haven’t made it to sex without orgasm (never even thought about that as an option), but sex without ejaculation has really added to my energy. Weird stuff, but really true. The whole idea really seems incredible to me, still.

This conversation is giving me a boner.

I was pleasantly surprised that sex without ejaculation ramps me up bigtime. I was also pleasantly surprised that previous marathon sessions of sex with ejaculation totally wiped me out, whereas marathons of sex w/o ejaculation didn’t leave me with a “hangover”(or would that be sexover?)

This conversation gave me a boner too.

I lack the hard-on some of us have developed over this thread, but please bare with me…I still posses a lot of interest and enthusiasm even though I’ve kept it down or it just stayed down on its own (I don’t know; I guess I just haven’t grown horny over this thread or anyone so far for that matter; please forgive me I’ve let anyone down). I don’t plan on or want a baby for me and us within the next year or so, plus I have enough self control to perform the pull out method or have a condom put on even in the heat of the moment. Becoming infected by a sexual transmitted diseases concerns me a lot during apocalyptical sexual encounters, it concerns me all the time because I don’t want any. I mean, without needles and blood test around or accessible how do we get tested. Out of all things in the future, I’d like us to have up-to-date STD. tests so that we don’t pass STD. on to others or become infected ourself, so that we can have safe sex. I have “no STD.” the doctors say, and I plan on keeping that way. Penny, I agree with you on having condoms in the first aid or survival kit, I think it sounds like a good idea, but they can’t save me from all STD and I don’t want to put my life in the hands of a condom. I want a light-weight STD. test kit-needles and all, so that I can test myself and partners if nobody else can give us the tests. Anyone know about such a kit or thing? Please say something.

Yeah, so I don’t want a baby soon but I’d like to have kid(s) and not get AIDs or any other sexual transmitted disease. I think I can deal with an unexpected child but not so much AIDs or the like. I think I would go crazy if that happened, especially if I couldn’t cure it. Crazy!

hotspring’s original post is now on the wiki here

Males can shoulder birth control responsibilities in various ways, such as a daily treatment of 116F water, for about :45. This is little-known, requires discipline, and of course there is cultural resistance.

good post.

in chinese medicine ejaculation depletes your kidney jing (essence) which is what you inherit from your parents when you are conceived. when you read traditional chinese medicine texts there is often alot about different kinds of kidney deficiencies (common in older people) and they can often be correlated with “excessive ejaculation”. women, however, are often on the receiving end… which is sort of funny. cause, you know, she’s stealing a mans precious essence. the same would go for male-male or female-female or transgendered… it’s just a matter of who is ejaculating.

anyways, my ideal approach to b.c. is using a combination of the F.A.M. and herbal contraceptives. especially emmenagogues and possibly implantation inhibitors if i was sexually active during ovulation regularly.

regarding the spermicides - some people use vitamin c after sex. i personally don’t think of this approach as being particularly useful. sperm travel fast and they are going to get past your cervix in no time. i do think it is helpful to acidify the vaginal canal after sex for other reasons, though. mostly to decrease risk of infections/candida.

i make my own lube which is anti-microbial and it would be sweet to make one that was also spermicidal. neem oil is another spermicide. im sure a lot of other essential oils would have spermicidal effects as well.

Yeah, I’ve heard about Neem oil. It’s been used sucessfully in both men and women in various birth control studies in India ( However, I bought some of the oil, and it basically stinks, so I wouldn’t feel inclined to use it as a spermicide. The article mentions its use in the form of injections and tablets as well as spermicides.

I’ve read also that oils of various kinds have been used in birth control recipes throughout time because sperm have a hard time moving past an oily barrier.

Too bad Silphium was overharvested! Sounds like it was a great contraceptive. The seeds were even heart-shaped (,

yeah, vitamin c is used orally to induce miscarriage, too. it works quite well if done early enough. same with the parsley. once someone is late the stronger herbs need to be used. a little while ago i made an abortifacient beer which i really really really need to bottle. oh man. i’m pretty excited baout the idea of a beer that induces a miscarriage.

there is a TCM herb that is said to make a woman infertile at the right dosages. i think i’m going to try it some day. i forget it’s name - it is not a commonly used herb.

so i read all of this, and then went looking elsewhere for how to “withhold ejaculation” and to no avail found nothing telling me how to do it. Anyone have any tips on HOW to do it? I would like to attempt this, but of course it seems impossible since I don’t know where to start.

so i read all of this, and then went looking elsewhere for how to "withhold ejaculation" and to no avail found nothing telling me how to do it. Anyone have any tips on HOW to do it? I would like to attempt this, but of course it seems impossible since I don't know where to start.

In part it involves developing the right muscles. To work them out, one method I’ve learned is to stop the stream while urinating by tensing the muscles. If you do this continually, you’ll have worked out the muscles some and will have gained some level of control.

The one method that I use to great success is the non-insertion method and while it has taken a long time to master self control, the reward has been very satisfied partners and a “high” for me that is unbelievable. :slight_smile:
We men have other digits that are rarely used to any great extent during sex and while many like to think they know the female body very few have taken the time to discover what really excites their partner. ???
All women are different in what turns them on, keeps them excited and allows them to achieve a great orgasm or multiple ones. Some basic understanding of your partners anatomy and its functions is the best place to start. :o
For those that enjoy the non-commital one night stand this can be problemattic as an understanding of your partner takes time and tenderness. :slight_smile:
Should anyone like to continue this discussion with me please drop me a line. ;D

The benifits of two spirits… not a problem for us ;D