ACTUAL TITLE THAT WAS NOT Allowed due to a dumb fucking error: this is this is this is not that
is there a “rewilding manifesto?” and if not would it help SPREAD THE WORD?
I know you flagrant blatant motherfucking butches are listening. Like, I’ve been through winough trauma I do not need some jerk telling me how to run my life like I am too much of an abject idiot to do it
Sounds like you need a manifesto then.
Autonomy is sacred. I don’t ask permission for many things
is this topic becoming some kind of riddle/koan collection?
I Wasnt going to return here and read the responses to my written filth but I
was lying in my bed and I kind of became bold and I Decided I would and I would
post this antidelluvian tur here attoo.
I haevily dislike being insane sometimes, and sometimes I love it. Lately I love
it more than I dislike it heaveily.
I had an interesting experinece once. When I was a teenager WAAAAAAAAAAAAAay
back in the gosh darned 90s I co-created a Quest for Glory website and I was
going through some links and I found a guestbook on another QFG website with a
huge scroll bar and I randomly scrolled the huge scroll bar and landed directly
on Jason Godesky’s guestbook entry (this scroll bar was not small) and I was
like What the Heck!?!? It was advertrising his fan fiction, which I eventually
found and read while in the mental institution where I felt all great for like a
few days or weeks or so.
I want to make a spinoff of Quest for Glory called Paladin’s Quest, but I’m not
a game maker.
ALSO… some other weird crap that was like WHAT KIND OF CONICIEDENCE IS THIS
CRAP happened but I’m not going to mention it out loud or with the keyboard. To
this day it freaks me out and makes me believe in things that I probably have no
business believing in because I mean… who believes in this crap but CRAZY
people like me. Good thing I keep most of it to myself.
IT occurs to me that there is no real antonym for introduction… this is a
goodbye and I intend to tell you something about myself. As I will not longer be
here you might be thinking there is no real reason to learn anything about me,
and reading this will be some sort of waste of time. I would not fault you for
that, but why do we ever read anything written by someone we will never meet and
remain dubious as to whether or not they are going to say something of any
particular level of interest.
I said some rotten things here last time I posted. I do not remember exactly. I
said something about ‘blatant, flagrant’ and I meant murder.
I have mentioned, I think, that I have been diagnosed with a mental illness.
Mental illness is a totally bizarre beast. Who knows what it is? I have been
told by a slew of people that I have a chemical imabalance in my brain, the
point where the words ‘chemical imbalance’ tend to upset me slightly on the
basis that I am sick of people thinking they know what is going on when nobody
knows a dang thing.
I heard voices. There were times when I felt physically weak to an extreme and
my mind was going slowly and I heard voices going a million miles per hour. So
how did my brain conjure up these voices, especially the ones so obviously
divorced from myself? Well, some of us believe in spirits, worlds outside of our
own, demons, angels, etc. The fact is nobody has ever given a satisfactory
explanation for what causes people to hear voices, so so-called experts who have
no spiritual bent and so-called experts who have a spiritual bent as well both
kind of rub me the wrong way. All I know is it was all beyond odd and baffling
and bewildering and flabberghasting and I am glad it isn’t happening to me right
now.
I also thought a bunch of things were going on that were not going on. I thought
people were being murdered in the cieling, starved in the walls, murdered in the
bushes, things of that sort. It was highly unpleasant. There were times when
people’s mouths would move, they would speak death threats, and the death
threats matched their moving mouths. I am told this was a hallucination and
nobody seems to think it odd or out of the ordinary that I had so many vivid and
totally believable hallucinations that I have never heard anyone else boast of
having anything of the sort. I hear about ‘the voices in my head’, not the
screams outside my head or the death threats clearly on people’s moving lips and
in a variety of fitting voices.
Anyway, I thought something was amiss around here in this community, and this
was not peculiar for me. My medication (I refuse to call it medicine) hurt me
real bad and I was feeling drowsy and bad and I stopped taking it out of
curiousity and I went off my rocker. I watched some clips from horror movies and
became convinced that those people were really being murdered and that I was in
hell and that everyone was evil and some rather unfortunate thoughts concerning
an imaginary romance that eventually led to me trying to hitchhike to a
different country to either court a woman I thought I was absoultely in love
with, prove that I was a romantic badass, or at the very least get locked up and
making it known that I was serious about who I was and what I believed and maybe
kill disgusting witches (no you’re not)who resemebled that hag from Robin Hood
Prince of Thieves that Morgan Freeman impaled with by way of throwing his two
handed scimitar across a room. I thought they were on the gooder side of evil
and I had to fight them to prove myself as someone who means business. It was
dumb. I feel better now. I was really mad. Like… there is no word for how mad
I was. Fury, rage… mad.
Any way you look at it I was into being an anti-evil fellow and I thought there
was major evil afoot. Why was this place involved? I met this Willem character,
or so I believe, while in the major middle of mental breakdown and homeless, and
I have seen one picture supposedly of the fellow that looked remotely like the
fellow I met on myspace or facebook or any of that stupid crap.
I began to think that maybe there were murder victims who had been photoshopped
to sort of resemble the guy I met.
I thought all those posts about missing people were because he was making people
go missing.
I thought all that talk on the College of Mythic Cartography about sociopaths
was because there was a community of freaky sociopaths who were kind of
fascinated with their condition.
I thought a lot of silly crap.
So I thought some people here were blatant, flagrant murderers, and maybe some
were their prisoners awaiting execution. I won’t go into all the revolutionary
weird visions I have had in my lifetime of people being murdered. I have seen
some sick crap in my mind’s eye. I am kind of disturbed by what people are
capable of.
Anyway, I am on a medication right now that A) does not hurt me and B) makes me
feel sane. It is a relief.
I used to plan on stopping taking the bad, hurtful medication and taking tons of
drugs to BEND my MIND back into SHAPE. You know, mushrooms, things like that.
There are quite a few things like that.
Now I am planning on staying here, behaving, trying to find a girl (I have had a
single schoolyear with aloving girlfriend and I am 36… a few months is paltry
and I feel stupid. I am not the most intelligent or charming individual in the
whole world… but I ought to be able to find someone. I think. I hope.) and
pursue a life as a woodcarver and shout rewiliding rhetoric from the rooftops in
the hopes that somebody goes, 'Hey, you’re right. Wow. I never saw things like
that before.’
I might get sick of that last part. I am not sure my views will appeal to anyone
I meet around here. I am not sure what does. People are interested in the
“royal” family of England and American Idol type things with alarming frequency.
Is the non-shallow mind as rare as I suspect? I have such little experience with
my fellow man. Looking at people passing by I would like to think so. But then
again, a man displaying a wide variety of his own brand of madness who deserves
dishonor and shame for his behavior now runs my home country. I want to see the
good in people, but this man was democratically elected and NOBODY AT ALL is
really all that serious about wanting to get rid of him as far as I can tell.
People grumble and that is about it. I try to ignore it. I am a fringe observer
and frightened by most of what I try to avoid.
I have read that the average woodcarver makes decent money. I would like to make
having a hand carved wooden mask in your home seem cool to some people. I have
my own designs, and although not a single soul has ever said they would make
good, attractive, worth something wooden objects I guess I might as well try
while the government that confuses me so SO MUCH (what is going on with
politics? is there an acceptable explanation to any of this? I accept… my life
choices and my love and that is about all I can honestly accept at times) is
willing to give me money for the condition nobody can explain in a way that
appeases my curiousity.
I was telling someone about an out of body experience I had once and they called
it Bs. I was miffed. I respect this guy, I like this guy, I think this guy is
funny, and he insulted me and the mystery of reality like that.
Anyway. I was mentally ill. I am mentally ill and doing well. I said some dumb
things. Maybe I am still saying some dumb things. I love rewilding. I am never
posting here again.
Maybe saying dumb things is my lot in life and if so that is fine. I want to
make someone smile. Dumb things can make people smile. They make me smile all
the time. I’m not really sure what dumb is anyway. I know what mean is. Mean is
dumb.
Nobody is following me around with a camera putting my ramblings on Discovery
channel. 
Thanks for everything I don’t mean to sound like an utter ingrate you were all
as good as anyone could ever expect. I think I will make it in this world and I
could not be able to say that if this place never existed. I set out to explain
myself and I’m not sure what this devolved into but hey, if I ever look back on
this I want to say, what a change has occured. I want to change a lot. I want to
be glad this happened and I want to move on. I continue to feel like a dumb kid
out of touch with reality and point fingers at ghosts.
Thanks for everything and adios mis amigos grandes.
I realize that you might not ever read this, if you are leaving right away. But just in case, I want to say something from the bottom of my heart: Everybody that grew up within the civilization is mentally ill. I can see that the form you have is very painful, and you appreciate the “crutch” that the new medication provides at this time. Just please give yourself credit that you are going in the right direction by your realization that the culture is insane, and those who have resigned themselves to living within it are just hurting themselves all the more every day. Your own wild heart is leading you away from that fate, and even though your path is very hard at times, that wild heart is what you can rely on.
Happy journey–
[two weeks later] There are things about this post I would like to take back. It was written on impulse, when thinking of all the times I thought my own craziness was something wrong with me personally, compared to seemingly happier people who were OK with the civilization. But now it occurs to me that you (if you are seeing this) might not even have that particular problem. I apologize if my post came across as presumptuous and not according to the forum guidelines.
Good words Eileen. I fully believe and agree with what you’d said. Well put. We all issues and looking for answers in society is no answer at all. They want us sick and in their pocket. Good luck my friend. If the spirits are talking to ya, I talk to them too, I hope the good find you.