:-[ I’m getting really depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I just made my fourth attempt at going back to community college this semester. I’m 27, and this is my first time back to school in five years. I’m just taking general liberal arts classes, with vague plans of going to a university to study anthropology, wildlife, or environmental studies (or something to do with rewilding) in hopes of becoming a legit teacher or something.
But I seem to suck at staying focused and doing the work that school requires. No matter how good a student I tell myself I’m going to be, I always end up procrastinating when it comes to schoolwork. I don’t think I’m particularily dumb, although I’m sure if I went to a psychiatrist I’d be quickly diagnosed with ADD or some other learning defecit. And I definitely don’t want to take drugs to get through school, and I can’t afford therapy. Maybe I’m just lazy, and too coddled by the instant gratification I get from other things this culture provides. Anybody else feel/worry about these things?
It’s coming to the end of the semester and It’s looking like I most certainly won’t finish a paper which is due in two days, causing me to fail yet another class. I want to succeed, but not enough,apparently. I’m beginning to think that this path is just not for me. I consider myself pretty good at reading, listening, and understanding concepts, but when it comes to regurgitating what I’ve learned in a useful form (whether written or oral)… well, it just all comes out as jumbled, boring, malarkey. How could i ever hope to be a teacher with that linguistic disability??
Besides the fact that I’m under alot of family pressure to “succeed,” I worry about what things I can tolerate in making a living through civ. That’s why I have these hopes of being a rewild teacher, where I’d at least feel good about what I was doing. If that dream never comes true, I’m not sure what else I’d like to do. What are my talents? Disliking Civ? I’ve been a landscaper for some years, and I enjoy the outdoor part of that, but dislike the unnatural contortions It forces my body into, and, of course, the unnatural contortions that I’m forcing the land into as well.
This is painful for me. I’m cursing much of my current life and just wishing I was part of a tribe and never had to participate in this extreme specialization of energy channeling that is such an investment of time and money. I want to love, and feel loved no matter what my occupation happens to be. I want to be shaped by the wisdom of the ages, not by some teacher trying to make a few extra bucks at the local community college.
But maybe this is all just a cop-out. A way to justify my laziness so I can go on feeling good about myself. Perhaps I’d be just as much a failure in a tribal setting. I’d like to think not, but who knows?
I think what I’ll do is educate myself. I’m pretty passionate and definitely more articulate when it comes to speaking of rewilding. I can learn to hunt, forage, and build shelter in traditional ways. That sounds pretty good about now, but it won’t support me monetarily. Guess I’ll have to stick to being some sort of wage slave for now.
Sorry for the rant, but just posting this makes me feel loads better! Thank you, fellow rewilding people!!