This is the only forum I know with a grief and praise section: so here it is
A car killed my 7 month old puppy Tessa this morning. I went to feed the chickens which have a coop inside the fenced off horse pasture. Well I didn’t let Tessa come with me and she ran around the fence to the road to the backside of the fence. Seeing her on the other side of the fence I freaked out and started moving up the fence away from the road and calling her but I lost sight of her from the chicken coop and for some reason she went back around towards the road. When I didn’t see her coming at all or hear her I ran down towards the road and found her.
I feel so awful, worse because this is the second time, no, third time I’ve had (or known) a dog get hit by a car. The last time was my first dog I’ve had living on my own (with Sarah) who got hit last summer.
To have this happen again makes me feel very immature and ashamed, in that I let it happen. It makes me not feel invincible anymore. It makes me value protectiveness, something I don’t think I’ve valued a whole lot in my life. I have so many ‘I should haves’ floating around in my head, but I can’t go back and fix this. That’s the worst part.
I always want to fix something, like I fixed those bikes yesterday, or fixed my truck, or fixed my relationship, etc. But death, death I cannot fix. I can accept death, learn from it, grow, live, love and cherish every moment that I have. But death makes me want to wallow and sorrow, grieve and cry, feel comforted and that everything is alright. And this particularly I want to hid under a rock, to avoid having to confront the world that my dog died (again). I feel nothing honorable in this death. It only makes it worse that it happened under my watch, Sarah went to Idaho for the week. I feel like if she was here it would not have happened, she is much more protective than me and I feel like I failed her. Maybe I need to learn something from her protectiveness, I hope she can forgive me but I don’t know if I would forgive me.
I feel like I need to become a new person, learn some new values and characteristics because I feel like what characteristics and values I have now somehow are not letting me excel in this life. Maybe this is to be young and learning. And oh how I feel so young sometimes, so childish. I do not want to feel childish anymore.
But I have three kittens, full of life, playing at my toes, maybe they can smack some sense into me.